Train thoughts - JM

You know what the worst thing about anxiety is?

It’s the days you’re not anxious.

It’s the days you’re at your happiest and most confident. It’s the little moments throughout the day, like when you take a second extra to look at the sunset, or take a moment longer on your walk home from work. It’s the memories you create where you’re smiling the most, laughing the loudest… because no matter how damn happy you are, there’s this fucking ticking time bomb that’s operating in the background of your mind, waiting to explode the moment you feel just a little too happy. That’s anxiety, and that’s the worst thing about it.

Will I ever be truly happy again? Will there always be doubt whether I’m allowed to be this happy? I do not know… and that sucks.

Yet, this isn’t an epistle complaining, it’s in fact the opposite of that. This epistle is written because I am damn happy at the moment.

I’m taking a moment extra to soak in the sunset, a moment longer to walk home, smiling and laughing whenever I can. I’m listening to John Mayer guitar solos, I’m sitting in front of the keyboard and forgetting about the world for hours, I’m hugging people who deserve to be hugged, I’m not just a glass half full, I’m a glass of fucking fuck yes overflowing at a drastic rate. I’m radiating my happiness in hope it’ll rub off on anyone that needs it… it’s great.

I can feel the ticking away in the background and I’m okay with that, it’s just who I am I guess, and I sure as hell am not going to let that shit ruin the happiness in my life.

Embrace the ticking, because it means you’re happy.

Love and happiness innit